"tough times never last, but tough people do"

You may have noticed I have been absent from posting on my blog. In the past few weeks, I have been going through some tough things that have really tested my strength. Never in my wildest dreams did I think this would happen to me. And the words even sting my heart now as I am about to type them out. However, I feel being vocal and speaking of how I am feeling is one way that I will start to feel better about it all. If I keep it bottled up inside I am afraid it will just explode out of me and I will not be able to control it. This way I can feel like I am working through the ups and downs. Unfortunately, I recently had a miscarriage with our first baby.

When I first found out I was pregnant, Matt had just left for deployment and I was already feeling emotional. Seeing that word "Yes" on the pregnancy test, my whole world changed. I knew I wasn't very far along, maybe 4 or 5 weeks, but I took multiple test in a row that all said I was pregnant. I was excited, scared, nervous, but overall blissfully happy. I have always wanted to be a mother and this was really happening with the man of my dreams. I told my husband and he couldn't believe it either. We were both thrilled!

About a week later, I started to have some symptoms that I didn't feel were right. Freaked out, I told a friend and she meet me at the emergency room. I was so scared but in the back of my mind I was thinking everything would be okay. I was even hoping to get an ultrasound so I could see the baby, because at this point I hadn't had one yet. Long story short and sparing all the TMI details, my symptoms started getting worse and worse. They did numerous tests and a ultrasound, but deep down in my heart I just knew that I had lost it. I was sent home that day with feelings of complete sadness, confusion, pain, and guilt. I felt like it was all my fault - that I did something that caused this. And while I know that isn't true, that this is something that just simply "happens", it's hard not to feel that way. I told Matt about it all and he said of course he was disappointed and upset - but he knew that this wasn't going to stop us from trying again in the future. He is always my rock even from so far away.

Time has passed and everyday I think about it. I don't think it's something that I will ever NOT think about. I am still struggling with the fact that I was pregnant and planning all these exciting things for the future, and now I'm not. The little miracle that I felt so protective over, is gone. Maybe I am being too hard on myself, but everyday has to be a new day that I learn how to deal with these emotions. I look at my friends pregnant or with kids and it makes me sad for me, but so incredibly happy for them - because I know now how precious of a gift having a child is. This loss has also tested me as a military wife, as this is something that I have to go through without my husband physically by my side. Military spouses often have to be put in situations that require the strength of both parties, and this is definitely one of those situations. My husband is an amazing man and even though he can not be with me right now to hold me close or wipe my tears away, he is so supportive and reassures me that everything will be okay. I know we will be blessed with another miracle again and when that time comes, we will be able to share the experience every step of the way. That is a blessing in itself.

Since all of this has happened, I have really taken a step back and thought about all the positive changes I want to make. I have decided to train to run a 5k race, my first one ever. I think it will be amazing to have something to focus on and to use as a tool to get healthy. Eating right is also something I want to take more seriously. I have considered myself a healthy eater as an adult, but now I'm more deteremined than ever to stick with it. Most definitely there will still be baking going on, but maybe in a healthier way. I have been feeling a creative buzz going through me, so I would love to explore that and be more crafty and thrifty. Positivity is something I want to surround myself with in my daily life and I feel like this is a great way to start. I want to be a stronger woman, both inside and out.

Thank you in advance for all the support and advice you are willing to give. And most importantly, thank you for reading and giving me the chance to speak from my heart. <3

- Laura